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I Do It To Myself...

I do it to myself, and maybe I think it will work like some sort of perverse exposure therapy, like a person afraid of dogs who slowly exposes themselves in controlled environments until the fear is manageable.

 I listen to people celebrate the joys of their children, of their grandchildren, and I can see that their joy is sincere and instead of just feeling joy for them, in my mind is an endless loop of 'I don't have that'. There wasn't some parent or grandparent happy for me when I got my college degree and there isn't that person to share when my children reach a milestone.

 I listen to people fret and worry about the trials their children are facing, could face in the future and I can see the worry is honest and in my mind is that loop. 'I don't have that'. The person whose job it was to be the first to celebrate the highs and the one who was supposed to be there as that rock in the lows didn't want the job.

 Or.

 Didn't want the job without a heavy price tag.

 And there came a time when I decided that the price was just too much. I was tired of being afraid of my own shadow, of never being good enough. I wasn't a good enough daughter, a good enough sister, a good enough mother. I wasn't a good friend and "HERE'S THE PROOF!"- I had no friends, I was isolated because no one wanted to be around me. To deal with with my issues, my failures, my mistakes.

 And I believed that.

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